Text

According to an iClicker poll in my PSYC 350 Psychological Aspects of Human Sexuality course, 88% of the dudes in my class have measured their penis.

Which means that 12% are either a) lying, or b) were sitting near a girl, and they were afraid she could see their thumb on the clicker button. A dude sitting in front of me used his gargantuan thumb to stealthily cover both the “A” and the “B” buttons on his clicker when selecting his response. (I know you picked “A: yes I have measured my penis,” you sneaky bastard.)

Text

So I don’t clog everyone’s newsfeeds with a hundred “shared” statuses, I’ll just list the ones that made me pee a little bit when I read them:

WHY did those glow sticks come visit me

I’d take care of hot potatoes

Now I am good at making Belgians feel so grown up

Et oui, mais c’est tout que je suis la reine de Cimitière d’Ixelles, l’ULB 15 minutes à bientôt!! Lemme know what I’m talking about!

Near Kits, possibly allergic to what books are available in Vancouver too, I usually just pretend you’re gorgeous too

red wine, ice cream truck with me

Je t’aime aussi, mes amies belges, 23 year for getting blackout drunk

Text

and ways to properly phrase them to avoid getting a black eye from future women who are not as easy-going and patient as me.

What was said: “I love your love-handles.”
How to improve: “I love your curves.”

What was said: “Your tongue ring looks like an HIV molecule.”
How to improve: “Your tongue ring is really interesting, I’ve never seen one with glitter in it before.” Alternatively, “Your tongue ring looks like a disco ball, it’s like a party in your mouth!” (Thanks, Rach S!)

What was said (in reference to the stretch marks on my thighs): “What happened here?! Did you hurt yourself? It looks like little scars, are you okay?!”
How to improve: Google an image of stretch marks right now, an if you ever see them on anyone’s body, compliment them with TOTAL SILENCE. Don’t bring that shit up. Dick.

What was said: “Your feet look like GI Joe feet. I mean like, just the way the nail polish dried, it’s kind of imperfect, like when you get a GI Joe that hasn’t been properly painted. You wouldn’t even know where your nails start if you hadn’t painted them.”
How to improve: “I like that shade of nail polish on you.”

What was said: “Do you even have any muscles at all? Everything about you is so soft!”
How to improve: “Your skin is so soft, it’s like silk, the most expensive and beautiful fabric.” (Do not mention that it’s made by millions of tiny worms, as cool a fact as that may be. Worms and the female figure are another combination that should not be paired.)

What was said: “You’re lucky you’re so small, otherwise you’d be pretty chubby. It fits nicely on you though.”
How to improve: “Your body is so beautiful, I’m so lucky that you’re even interested in me after all the dumb crap I say to you on a daily basis. Also, here are some lilies that I picked for you.”

What was said: “You’re so good (in bed,) you should get paid for this.”
How to improve: “You’re so talented at that, let me return the favour and take twice as long doing it, because I know it takes longer for you to orgasm than it takes me, and I know you deserve to have mind-exploding orgasms on a regular basis.”

Text

I like that when I google things, my top search results are always in French. I wonder if I can set my computer to do that in Canada too. (?)

Text

I can’t sleep. So here are some things I notice on a daily basis in Bruxelles.

1. Everyone uses sponges to wipe the chalkboards, which are cleaned in a bucket of murky, filmy, chalky water that sits on the floor. (What’s so wrong with chalk brushes, ULB??)
2. Chalk boards still exist! And are used! Every day!
3. Women do not use shaving cream to shave their legs, and it’s nearly impossible to find at the grocery store. (The ONLY shaving cream I ever found here came in a six pack, and was covered in a layer of dust at Carrefour, in the section of he grocery store reserved for steering wheel covers, batteries, computer accessories, alcohol and vibrators.)
4. They sell one kind of peanut butter at the grocery store, but a dozen varieties of Speculoos.
5. Green pants seem to be on trend right now.
6. Deodorant in bar form is impossible to find too. Everything is either spray or roll-on.

Photo
I love you so so so much, you can’t even possibly imagine. This week, for no real reason, has been a nightmare roller coaster of confusion, anger, and enormous feelings of total inadequacy at everything, so I’m incredibly grateful that I have solid friends who know how to reassure me that life is pretty rad, my home will always be my home, and that it’s okay to be young and a total flailmess of emotions

I love you so so so much, you can’t even possibly imagine. This week, for no real reason, has been a nightmare roller coaster of confusion, anger, and enormous feelings of total inadequacy at everything, so I’m incredibly grateful that I have solid friends who know how to reassure me that life is pretty rad, my home will always be my home, and that it’s okay to be young and a total flailmess of emotions

Text

I hate every single thing about this stupid motherfucking university.

Text

"Est-ce que peux vous aider ? Vous attendez quelque chose ?" -clerk at the university bookstore

"Non, je juste… je mets ma… je mis…? ……je vais." -me

Sometimes I feel like I’m actually fluent, and that I’m totally killin’ it at being Belge, and sometimes I’m the derpiest anglophone that ever derped.

Derp.

Photo

Beautiful weather —yay!!
Time to shave my legs —ugh.

Photo

Omgggg fuck make this