and ways to properly phrase them to avoid getting a black eye from future women who are not as easy-going and patient as me.
What was said: “I love your love-handles.”
How to improve: “I love your curves.”
What was said: “Your tongue ring looks like an HIV molecule.”
How to improve: “Your tongue ring is really interesting, I’ve never seen one with glitter in it before.” Alternatively, “Your tongue ring looks like a disco ball, it’s like a party in your mouth!” (Thanks, Rach S!)
What was said (in reference to the stretch marks on my thighs): “What happened here?! Did you hurt yourself? It looks like little scars, are you okay?!”
How to improve: Google an image of stretch marks right now, an if you ever see them on anyone’s body, compliment them with TOTAL SILENCE. Don’t bring that shit up. Dick.
What was said: “Your feet look like GI Joe feet. I mean like, just the way the nail polish dried, it’s kind of imperfect, like when you get a GI Joe that hasn’t been properly painted. You wouldn’t even know where your nails start if you hadn’t painted them.”
How to improve: “I like that shade of nail polish on you.”
What was said: “Do you even have any muscles at all? Everything about you is so soft!”
How to improve: “Your skin is so soft, it’s like silk, the most expensive and beautiful fabric.” (Do not mention that it’s made by millions of tiny worms, as cool a fact as that may be. Worms and the female figure are another combination that should not be paired.)
What was said: “You’re lucky you’re so small, otherwise you’d be pretty chubby. It fits nicely on you though.”
How to improve: “Your body is so beautiful, I’m so lucky that you’re even interested in me after all the dumb crap I say to you on a daily basis. Also, here are some lilies that I picked for you.”
What was said: “You’re so good (in bed,) you should get paid for this.”
How to improve: “You’re so talented at that, let me return the favour and take twice as long doing it, because I know it takes longer for you to orgasm than it takes me, and I know you deserve to have mind-exploding orgasms on a regular basis.”